jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
