Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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