that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
