I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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