I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
