he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
