I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
