Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
