8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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