who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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