remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
