is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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