remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dicks are not precious.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
