This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
