I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm too high and old for this...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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