Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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