evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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