party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize