I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
