and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
