So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
