I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
