Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
