11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
