how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
