Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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