I think my vagina is haunted
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
