Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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