remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
