Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
