Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
