I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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