Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
