Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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