cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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