im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
