she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
