Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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