I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
