I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
