i barfeds in our rink
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
