Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
