highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
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saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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