You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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