yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
