Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
