my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
