well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
