Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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