and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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