Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
