I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
