last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
