there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
