I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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