Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
