oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
