found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
